


A Bad Case of Survivor's Guilt

by Sumi



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-06 20:02:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5428922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sumi/pseuds/Sumi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every morning Ellie faced the same thoughts and in the same fucking order, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Bad Case of Survivor's Guilt

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Khantael](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khantael/gifts).



Every morning Ellie faced the same thoughts and in the same fucking order, too. First, Riley was on her mind, then Tess was. Even though they’d known each other briefly, Sam came after Tess. Finally, Joel. He wasn’t dead but Ellie feared that every day some Clicker or a Bloater might bite Joel.

Just looking at a Bloaters could kill you, though, because they were nasty looking fuckers.

Eventually Ellie would roll out of bed because the thoughts always faded away in time. Fucked up part was that it took well… time.

“Ellie, you best be getting out of bed now. The horses aren’t going to tend to themselves.”

She wanted to bite back that it was too early for any of this shit, but Ellie really liked taking care of the horses. It was calming being around them. Joel said there used to be a thing called equine therapy but only a bunch of rich shits probably could have afforded it anyway.

Taking care of the horses did help, but no amount of equine therapy would bring Riley back or erase the fact that infected were crawling all over the goddamn place. There was nowhere you could hide from them-- though Tommy’s settlement was as good a place as any to try.

Military, hunters, or infected would find them in time, but Ellie never shared any of this pessimism with Joel. He would probably agree with her in his own, quiet way, yet there was no point in dragging Joel down with her. She should let what little happiness he had stick around for awhile.

“Fuck Joel,” Ellie muttered while stumbling out of her room. She was dressed and ready-- though just barely. Her clothes were a couple days old, but having a change of outfits wasn’t a luxury just anyone could afford these days. Still, here, Ellie was allowed a few conveniences that girls her age had enjoyed in the past. She _could_ have changed if she’d wanted. “Can’t you let me sleep in for once?”

Ellie simply didn’t see the point in putting on any of the other shit she’d gotten when the outfit she’d been wearing still worked perfectly well. The fucking thing didn’t smell that bad yet.

“Like I said, those horses aren’t going to tend to themselves.”

She sighed at Joel’s comment, moving to force some breakfast down her throat. He caught sight of the expression on Ellie’s face and frowned. “What?” Ellie asked, almost defensively, once she caught sight of Joel staring at her.

He lifted a brow. “Somethin’ wrong, Ellie?”

“I’m fine, Joel. Just fucking annoyed that you nagged me to get up so early.” Ellie ate a few spoonfuls of breakfast, eager to get out to the horses and cut this conversation short.

Ellie had heard the phrase “survivor's guilt” tossed out a few times around her and once or twice directed to her by Maria. Her response was always “No shit.” Obviously, Ellie had survivor's guilt, but talking about it wasn’t going to help or bring anyone back.

They were dead and staying that way.

Tending to the horses was a good way for Ellie to keep her mind off this depressing shit-- temporarily at least.

Ellie went to bed that night in the same gloomy mood. She brushed Joel off again, but he let her be. He’d only let her dwell so long before he said something, though. She guessed this fucking survivor's guilt was going to be with her for awhile.

On her way to get some water that night, Ellie stopped at the picture of Sarah and Joel. The photograph was held in a broken frame, but that frame matched the state of the image inside it; the picture was old and worn but still there. 

It had taken Joel a long time to put the picture in a place always visible to him. He knew survivor's guilt all too well. Joel probably didn’t want to let Ellie dwell on everything for so long because of that. She both resented and appreciated his efforts.

She needed to get that glass of water but picked up the picture instead. Ellie stared at it and wondered what Sarah would’ve been like or how different Joel would be if she were alive. 

They looked so fucking happy in the picture that Ellie imaged herself there for a second. Joel once told her she and Sarah would’ve gotten along pretty well, but Ellie didn’t know if that was true or not.

Girls in Sarah’s time had so much different shit to worry about compared to girls now. Ellie would’ve loved to worry about boys, clothes, and all that stuff that seemed so trivial. It would have been so much nicer than worrying about infected, but it wasn’t like Ellie knew any other world than the one she lived in.

A strange noise sounded in the hallway, followed by what had to be footsteps.. Ellie nearly dropped the picture. In a panic, she reached for her mother’s knife nestled into the pocket of her jacket. She never went anywhere without it.

“Ellie, what in the seven hells are you doing up so late?”

“Fuck, Joel!” Ellie snapped. Her grip on the knife relaxed, but her heart still beat loudly in her chest. “I thought you were a fucking infected. You can’t sneak up on me like that.”

“I’m sneakin’ up on you? You’re the one who’s wanderin’ around out here in the middle of the night when you should be sleepin’.” Joel’s exasperation was obvious from his tone. Hidden behind that, though, was worry Ellie heard only because she’d known him for so long. She’d spent too much time with Joel for him to be able to hide that.

Ellie shrugged. “I couldn’t sleep. Coming out here seemed like a better idea then tossing and turning for the rest of the fucking night.”

“Baby girl…”

“Don’t, Joel. I don’t want to hear any of your bullshit, so can you just tell me one of your lame stories of when you were young or something?” She was practically pleading for Joel to drop it and move onto another subject.

Discussing her feelings probably was the healthy thing to do, but Ellie couldn’t deal with it.

He scrubbed a hand across his face before sighing deeply. “What do you want to hear about?”

“Anything, Joel. Tell me about an awkward moment from childhood or times you made an ass out of yourself as a teenager. Fucking distract me.”

Ellie needed to forget for awhile.

~*~

Something was up with Ellie. It was plain as day to Joel who stayed up that night telling Ellie random tales of his childhood and teenage years. He managed a chuckle or two out of the kid. No point in aiming for more because Ellie didn’t really seem in much of a laughing mood.

She’d been this way since they arrived at Tommy’s settlement, stricken with guilt over the loses they’d face together-- and apart. Joel was no stranger to losing people. The guilt would eat away at you slowly until you were finally forced to face it.

It took Joel twenty years. He didn’t want Ellie to suffer like that for so long. If Ellie found out the truth about what happened that night he rescued her out of the hospital, her guilt would only increase (among other things). 

Joel paid no mind to the fact that she’d be beyond angry with him-- he was more worried about Ellie’s wellbeing. That was the most important thing. Once Ellie did find out Joel would apologize for lying but not for what he did. He couldn’t let the Fireflies take her away.

In the morning Joel didn’t wake Ellie up. He left to tend to the horses alone, wanting to let her sleep for as long as she needed. Tommy caught sight of Joel, a puzzled expression on his face.

“Ellie’s back at the house still sleepin’.”

“Rough night?” Tommy asked in concern.

Joel sighed. “No surprise that Ellie is havin’ trouble. Look at all the kid’s gone through, Tommy.”

“Ellie’s getting better. It’s just going to take--”

“--time.” Joel finished for Tommy. “I’ll get Ellie up later.”

Tommy cleared his throat and then gestured behind Joel. “I don’t think that’s an option, Joel. Ellie’s coming this way.”

“What the hell, Joel? Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“I was tryin’ to let you sleep, Ellie.”

Ellie huffed. “Yeah, well I can handle it Joel. Besides, don’t you think you should be the one sleeping later, old man? You’re not getting any younger.”

He let out another sigh but Ellie probably could detect the amusement on his face. “Best be gettin’ to work then.”

She shot Joel a small smirk and then walked over towards the horses. Joel watched her, still filled with worry over their interaction last night. It was going to take time for Ellie to heal but at least Ellie wouldn’t be left alone. 

She’d always have him.


End file.
